If you’re a new dad or soon to be, let’s just say that it’s every bit the rollercoaster everyone’s told you it is. As I write this, my first son is on his fifth day with us. Keeping us up all night, worrying us sick, and filling our hearts with the most love we’ve ever felt. You’ve likely heard that it’s important to try to take care of yourself as you go through this journey and my intention with this post is to try to share some tips I’ve picked up first hand while navigating this for the first time.
Focus on being a new dad right now (try to take some time off work)
A brand new baby is a two person job. They need to eat every 2 to 3 hours and if your partner is breast feeding, they will likely need to be pumping that often as well. Even if your partner is off work, they will be absolutely exhausted. It’s a huge help to give them some periods of rest where they can get some sleep without worrying about the baby. If you can take at least the first two weeks off, I would highly recommend it. That will give your partner some support and help you adapt to your new lifestyle of child care.
Negotiate your division of labor and breaks up front
In a relationship, it’s always a good idea to set expectations up front whenever possible, especially with a new baby. With all of the stress and lack of sleep you’ll be faced with, it’s super easy for miscommunication and resentment to creep in. Discuss ahead of time what the expectations will be around the division of labor and when you need to be tending to the baby to provide some relief.
The key here is balance, you need to be as supportive as possible, while still taking care of yourself. As I’ll get into below, I’ve found it to be crucial to make time for physical activity and other healthy practices. Figure out the time you’ll need to incorporate these things into your new life and keep this in mind as you negotiate the routine.
If your partner has just been through labor, they likely need to stay as close to their bed as possible for the next few weeks. This means it’s likely going to be your responsibility to run all errands. Use this to your advantage, if you’re going out to the grocery store, you could stop by the gym for a quick workout on your way for example. You’re helping take care of your partner by taking work off their plate and taking care of yourself while you’re at it.
Maintain elements of your prior routine
As a new dad, you’re not going to have as much free time as you used to, there’s no getting around it. However, as mentioned before, you still need to take care of yourself. If you totally neglect your health and sanity in the name of supporting your partner, you’ll likely burn yourself out and end up doing a crappier job at your dad duties. If you get overly stressed, you’re going to bring negative energy to your new family and nobody wants that.
So, take the time you need to unplug. If you have a meditation or mindfulness routine, do everything possible to maintain at least a slimmed down version of it. If you were working out regularly, stay consistent. You may need to shorten your routine, but make sure you’re still doing something.
Use a fitness tracker
I wear a Whoop strap, and find that it really helps keep me aware of how I’m doing with maintaining healthy habits like getting enough exercise and recovering properly. Through the first few days of being a new dad, I found it to be even more helpful. You’ll definitely be burning the candle at both ends, and it’s great to have a barometer to help you recognize when you need to sleep a bit more and what a good level of exercise strain for your day is.
Avoid Self-Medication
Going through the process of labor with your partner can be very beautiful, but it’s incredibly stressful. Going straight from that harrowing experience directly into 24/7 infant care is enough to make anyone seek a quick release. I certainly found myself heading straight for the beer section every time I went to the store those first couple of days.
The problem with alcohol is that the temporary relief it gives you always comes with a hefty price tag. It doesn’t take much to seriously disrupt your sleep, and trust me, you’ll need all you can get. Alcohol consumption will increase your anxiety levels over the long term as well. You’ll be dealing with enough stress as it is, so it’s best to stick to workouts and meditation for stress relief.
I personally think that cannabis in this situation is a bit more nuanced. I did use some gummies as a night cap on a couple of nights and found it helpful for stress relief and sleep. However, just be mindful that it’s easy to get into a habit with this that may not be ideal. I have to be pretty careful to avoid chronic cannabis usage, or it can escalate on me pretty fast. It also starts to lose it’s effectiveness for sleep for me after a while and starts to be more of a liability in this regard.
Take all the help you can get
While you definitely need to be careful exposing your newborn with an undeveloped immune system, friends and family can provide some much needed assistance. I couldn’t believe how nice it was just to have visitors stop by and hold the baby for a few hours. A new baby is incredibly high maintenance, there likely won’t be too many times you can just lay them in a bassinet for long stretches in the first couple of days, so a couple of extra hands around will be very welcome.
Take it easy on yourself
As you start the process of becoming a new dad, keep in mind that no one does this perfectly. There will be mistakes made and lessons learned, it’s all part of the experience. Just do the best you can, one day at a time. Remind your partner of this as often as possible. The postpartum period can be a difficult time for many women, and there can be a feeling that they don’t measure up to some idealized notion of a mother. Remind her that you’re both human and parenthood will be messy, but it will also be perfect.